Admiration

I don't know about you but I admire strong, confident people. I admire creative people and people who understand maths like it were easy. I admire people for their honesty and I especially admire people who give as much as they take.

I'm very lucky to know a small handful of people who fit into one, if not all, of those qualities. The funny thing about this is that they intimidate the hell out of me. They're not mean nor do they flaunt their awesome abilities, talents and general niceness and yet I still find myself finger tied when trying to talk with them. What the hell!?

If I'm being honest I feel terribly awkward, bulky and inferior when I'm with them. Each of these people contribute so much both to the communities in which I know them and in conversations. They speak easily, confidently, while I struggle with what I should say. Admittedly I do think too much and this results in my panicking and subsequent obscure remarks.

I guess it all touches on my real life self. I'm very much the same in Second Life as I am in that awful program called Real Life. Unlike some people I can't separate myself into an "online" personality and a real one.
Sometimes I remember that not everyone is confident and even those whom I think are will have days when they forget their brilliance. It's those days when I relate to people best, but this is beside the point.

Lately I've been catching myself trying to be someone I simply am not. I didn't even realise I was doing it until I started to feel that familiar drained sensation. This, quite simply, is not acceptable. I like who I am, mostly... Okay so only sometimes, stop looking at me like that. I don't want to change myself for the sole purpose of "fitting in" when all I'm doing is losing my identity. Albeit my identity is a bit warped, strange and kind of ditzy.
So, this leaves me in a bit of quandary. I enjoy all the time I get to spend with these amazingly talented, beautiful people and I don't wish to run away like I would normally do. A whole new challenge awaits me which is sure to set this blog heating up with posts as I try to overcome my insecurities around these people.

Should I really care if they like me or not? I don't think so. They are going to make up their own minds irrelevant of what I do.
Unfortunately, I seek their approval. (I know, I'm rolling my eyes too.)
What a sick and twisted brain I have.
Are there any zombies out there looking for a slightly used, tasty brain?
Maybe I can get a refund somewhere. Excuse me while I go and check the Marketplace.