You Are Amazing

Just when you think you have someone "figured out" they turn around knock you off your feet.

I had the most wonderful and enlightening conversation with an absolutely delightful woman yesterday! It was exactly the conversation I needed. My interest in Second Life has been rekindled and for that I can not thank the wonderful woman enough.

I have a new goal and I'm loving it!! Stay tuned for more positive updates!

Admiration

I don't know about you but I admire strong, confident people. I admire creative people and people who understand maths like it were easy. I admire people for their honesty and I especially admire people who give as much as they take.

I'm very lucky to know a small handful of people who fit into one, if not all, of those qualities. The funny thing about this is that they intimidate the hell out of me. They're not mean nor do they flaunt their awesome abilities, talents and general niceness and yet I still find myself finger tied when trying to talk with them. What the hell!?

If I'm being honest I feel terribly awkward, bulky and inferior when I'm with them. Each of these people contribute so much both to the communities in which I know them and in conversations. They speak easily, confidently, while I struggle with what I should say. Admittedly I do think too much and this results in my panicking and subsequent obscure remarks.

I guess it all touches on my real life self. I'm very much the same in Second Life as I am in that awful program called Real Life. Unlike some people I can't separate myself into an "online" personality and a real one.
Sometimes I remember that not everyone is confident and even those whom I think are will have days when they forget their brilliance. It's those days when I relate to people best, but this is beside the point.

Lately I've been catching myself trying to be someone I simply am not. I didn't even realise I was doing it until I started to feel that familiar drained sensation. This, quite simply, is not acceptable. I like who I am, mostly... Okay so only sometimes, stop looking at me like that. I don't want to change myself for the sole purpose of "fitting in" when all I'm doing is losing my identity. Albeit my identity is a bit warped, strange and kind of ditzy.
So, this leaves me in a bit of quandary. I enjoy all the time I get to spend with these amazingly talented, beautiful people and I don't wish to run away like I would normally do. A whole new challenge awaits me which is sure to set this blog heating up with posts as I try to overcome my insecurities around these people.

Should I really care if they like me or not? I don't think so. They are going to make up their own minds irrelevant of what I do.
Unfortunately, I seek their approval. (I know, I'm rolling my eyes too.)
What a sick and twisted brain I have.
Are there any zombies out there looking for a slightly used, tasty brain?
Maybe I can get a refund somewhere. Excuse me while I go and check the Marketplace.

Sometimes People Really Shit Me

As the title says, sometimes people really shit me. Some are just stupid, some are rude, some are down right mental and then there are some like this one:

[17:22] S G^: Hi Raznay! you say *friendship only* which is quite much, does this mean no sex at all? ^^
[17:23] Raznay Decosta: If I was interested in pixel fucking I would say so in my profile.
[17:24] S G: ok, ok, i am sorry for asking:)
[17:24] Raznay Decosta: Ask all you want, I thought it was self explanatory though
[17:26] S G: pixel fucking? isn't imagination the most important thing? or why should i read a book then.. ;)
[17:30] Raznay Decosta: Your question has a serious fault. You're trying to combine different forms of imagination to suit an opinion. Reading a book is using a vastly different form of imagination than what is used for pixel fucking.
[17:33] Raznay Decosta: Anyway, why should it be a problem if I choose not to engage in pixel fucking? Is it not just another fetish? In fact given that it's "not real" and that pixels are involved, pixel fucking could be viewed as a 3d version of Hentai. Personally, cartoons and pixels do not get me off. Nor the words of horny people who think "you're avi is sexy" is foreplay. 

[17:37] S G: maybe it depends just on the individual which form of imagination id possible... as well saying "your body is sexy" wont be a foreplay in RL too  ^^ 

[17:39] Raznay Decosta: Good thing we're not talking about RL.

[17:40] Raznay Decosta: And yes, it does depend on the individual as to what they like, are interested in and what they are willing to do.
[17:40] Raznay Decosta: Not everyone on this platform wants to run around fucking every pixel that moves.

Let me set the scene for you a little bit now. I'm in a club, it's not a fancy club and if I'm honest I would have to admit that it actually looks rather awful. It's meant to be, yet another, gothic inspired club. You know the kind, dark grey stone, furnishings are all in red to emulate blood and lots of "archaic" stairways.
The DJ isn't very good, but it's better than sitting at home staring at my walls because I'm so bored.
I'm dancing just off to the side of the room, kind of keeping to myself since I don't know anyone there.
Randomly, I receive the IM above. *Insert inward groaning and eye rolling here*


^ Please note that the name has been removed to protect the "innocence" of the person involved.

The End

*Insert long list of expletives here*

The only club I worked in just closed. No more DJing for me.

Okay, so I know I don't really enjoy it as much as I used to and every noob is a DJ now anyway, but still it was kind of my little thing.
The worst part of all this is that I got no warning, no lead up to the end. Instead the owners have a huge hissy fit, close the club and that's it.

Gee, thanks guys.

Oh well, just another day another job.

Anyone hiring a part time DJ?

Fun Times in the Circus

All The Things She Said

Have you ever thought about all the things you'd like to say but were too afraid to?
Maybe you just wanted to respond in a witty way but couldn't think of anything then and there?

I know I have done both of the above. So I decided to write down all the things I wish I had said.

Here goes...

- I hate that outfit you just showed me! I will not buy it even if it is cheap. Look at it, the design is disgusting!
(I sincerely wish I never bought the outfit. It was some terrible White skirt and top thing. Completely hideous, never worn, got deleted.)

- I know you're lying to me. You already admitted it by everything you just said.

- OMG you are fucking stupid!!
(In my defence I had just explained how things worked and didn't work... Guess you had to be there.)

- I don't believe you when you tell me I'm the only one.

- you won't leave SL if we break up, so what you have just said is a lie. It's a bad one too. Try something more original next time.

- really, I don't like being crowded. If I wanted to spend all my time with you I would.

- stop telling me what I should and should not do!

- instead of staring at my boobs while they bounce, can you actually listen to what I just said?

- friends are meant to be there for each other. Since you have no concept of this and have ended our friendship because she doesn't like me, I hope you miss me. You'll never have my friendship again.

- oh, that's what your penis looks like. You might want to match the colours better.

- your friends are important, but if you want me back you have to prove it. After what you did you owe me at least that much.

- oh, I keep you out of trouble? That's great, stop being a dickhead and playing everyone and you'll stay out of trouble on your own.

- look, if all you're going to do is bitch about how rude people are and how they're not wearing your group tag, then I'm going to fuck off and not return. Venting is different to what you're doing, mate.

- oh, you have a new account because of "too much drama"? Great, but it's pretty obvious you're only interested in playing a whole lot of girls. Nice try though.

- look, mate, just because the pixel hair is blonde doesn't mean you have to speak to me like I'm stupid. Arrogant prick.

- no, I don't dance with noobs.

- I really don't care if you are having technical issues. I'm not a tech, go google the fix.

And the last thing I wish I had said:

- You lied, you cheated, you were overbearing and jealous, you used me and ignored me. You would guilt trip me if someone even talked to me. You went off the rails when someone hit on me even when I politely declined all their advances. You didn't trust me, yet unlike you, I was faithful. I don't hate you, I resent you.


Maybe next time someone says something I'll be able to refer to this and say what I can't think of on the spot!

Truth or Dare

Which would you choose?

I'm a chicken, so I always choose truth! Not only that, but I always get stupid dares. You know, like going and kissing someone. Originality fail.

I had the best time playing Truth or Dare at DJ Anubis' gig this morning! I bet you didn't know that my perfect partner would be someone who is pink and fluffy! Or that when I grow up I want to be an awesome avatar! I bet you also didn't know the answer to one question was pink fluffy handcuffs!

Speaking of DJ Anubis, if you haven't heard him, check him out! Search, in SL, for Anubis Darkwatch. You will not regret it!
Truth be told, I'm having a dj crush! It's my first DJ crush ever!

*Swoons*

Anyway, have you been dared to do something stupid? If so, what did you do?!

Don't Let The Door Hit You

Well, what can I say about today other than blergh.

Have you ever had one of those days when you're struck by an epiphany and the force is so strong it very nearly knocks you off your feet?
That was my day today.

I was happily minding my own business when this invisible prim (yes, that's a joke) slams into me and a whole lot of things began to settle into place. Perhaps my subconscious has been a lot busier than I give her credit for. The bitch.
Anyway, this epiphany led to a wide range of emotions. At first I didn't know how to deal with it. Should I start IMing everyone who was part of this epiphany or should I just smoulder in my own anger?
The latter won. Just in case you were wondering.

So, tonight I started deleting people from my friends list. You know, those that never talk to you, those that send a million TP requests but never say boo and those who I really didn't want on my list.
One such person I deleted had just recently got back in contact with me. This same person told me many a lie about wanting to be with me, again.
Is it wrong that I feel better now that person is not on my list?

I might just answer my own question and say yes. I probably shouldn't have even spoken to this person again. I hadn't forgiven them. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not any at all.

Ooops.

It was probably the most bitchy thing I've ever done in my entire second life. Yet I will not apologise for it. I can't stand lies and this person told me nothing but lies. The amazing thing is this person apparently knew me very well. I guess not if they thought it would be okay to lie to me and to think I wouldn't find out about it.

So why am I spilling my guts about all this when I hate drama and this would technically be a drama ridden post.
It's part of my plan. My "No Drama At Any Cost" plan. You see, if you or anyone incites a dramatic response from me then I will cut all ties. Perhaps it's not fair, perhaps it's cutting off the eventual drama bomb that will inevitably happen. Either way, it's my new tough attitude.

Do not play me.
Do not expect anything from me than what I will openly give you.
Do not say you know me. Because I guarantee you do not.

What ever happened to people just being honest?

Quotes

"Wait for the one who will be your best friend, who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what.

Wait for the one who makes you smile like no other, and when they smile you know they need you.

Wait for the one who wants to show you off when you are in sweats and have no makeup on, but appreciates it when you get all dolled up for him.

Most of all, wait for the one who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he's at the center of yours."

I found this quote the other day and it made me sad.

Not only is it a beautiful quote but it's something I've never had the pleasure of experiencing.

Have you ever met someone who is all of the things in the quote?

"No person deserves your tears, and who deserves them won't make you cry"

Another one I haven't experienced. I think everyone has made me cry (and not in the good, sweet way) at some time or another. I still have hope I'll meet someone who won't make me cry!

"Don't spend time with someone who doesn't care about spending it with you.".

How often have you spent time with someone only to have them tell you all about the other people they're talking to? I know I've done it before, usually when I am bored, although I don't think it's polite. It would have been far nicer to excuse myself than pretend to be focussed on one person... o.O

Tha Playa

Please note: this is a piece of fiction. The characters represented are not real. If they resemble anyone it was not the writers intention and the writer has no responsibility over the real lives of anyone resembled.

He came into the club wearing those hideous baggy pants, thinking he was god's gift to Second Life.

Spinning my tunes I paid no attention to him, other than to say "hi" as all good dj's should. I would have happily gone on not knowing him but a friend decided I should meet her friend. Inwardly I groaned expecting some arrogant prick who'd just like to fuck my pixels.
An instant message window pops up with his so-called greeting. Luckily I could afford the time to roll my eyes and grind my teeth. This was going to be one of those days.

Before messaging him back I read his profile and realise he's the guy who swaggered in thinking he's god's gift! The groan is now audible and I have thoughts of banging my head against the desk to avoid the inevitable conversation. I waste more time playing with my music and doing voice overs in an attempt to avoid him. Apparently, he doesn't get the hint.

He tells me I'm sexy and starts calling me baby. I ignored it and sent a"lol" instead. Don't play that game with me boy. I'm not interested.
He tries a different approach. This time he says my dancing is great. Oh hell, all I can do is say "thank you".

The conversation continues. His arrogance becomes more pronounced as he regales me with stories of having three girls on the go at the same time.
Seriously, is this meant to win me over?
The next sentence describes his desire to have just one woman, he wants it to be me. I sit staring at my computer in utter stupidity. Doesn't this guy get it? He just admitted to being a player and he thinks I'm going to be honoured that he'll play me next?

Politely, I turn him down. I'm not that kind of person.
He stops talking to me. I breathe deeply and start laughing at his arrogance.

From what I saw he went home with another chick in the club. At least he didn't waste time being upset or even remotely pause to think how much of an arsehole he is.

It's months later, real time, now. Another player has come back to haunt me. This time, there is history. This time, I'm not the naive girl.
Confessions are professed and all is apparently forgiven.
He tells me what he's been up to and how many girls. All I can think of was his undying commitment to his mantra "SL is not worth playing without you". Apparently that was just another line. I begin to wonder how many of us he told that line to?

I listen while he talks, he deserves that doesn't he? A chance to talk, to be real. As each line is said the walls continue to build around me, trying to protect the fragile shell within. I apply the mask I wear so often and I tell him all is okay.
Deep down I want to believe that myself, but I know myself better than that. The hurt is still there, so raw, still bleeding.

After the conversation ends, lies and truths become distorted, what is real and what is part of the fantasy?
Walking around a beautiful sim I decide to withdraw myself again. I mentally note that he wouldn't even notice.

He didn't.

So this is just a game. A place to talk with people and to fend off the players. This is my reality, it may not be yours.
I'm broken and battered, shattered and bruised. No, I won't play with you, not like that. I'm fragile and always have been, handle with care.

I walk out of the club. The vision subsides, where am I?
I shake my head, afraid for what I saw and wishing I could hold the girl so badly hurt. She's beyond my grasp.
Maybe she will land softly. Maybe someone will show her kindness, and mean it. I can only hope for her.

Black is the new Black

If I'm being honest I can't say that I enjoy djing a lot anymore. I keep being asked to DJ and occasionally I do, but the fun dissolved four months ago.

Today however, I had a ball!
I only dj at Big Daves, to help minimise the tedium of playing music in places where no one talks.
There wasn't a huge crowd, just a cozy group of people all chatting and, hopefully, laughing. There wasn't a significant other with me nor was anyone interested in hitting on my pixels!
It was great because my closest friends were there. The people who have been with me through thick and thin for years. I realised while I was streaming my music just how much this group of friends meant to me. You couldn't have wiped the smile off my face even if you tried!

So, I say, bring on the good times with the people who stick by you! Here's to meeting some new people too, after all, they might be people I'll still be friends with in years to come!

Home Sweet Home

I finally got myself a little piece of heaven that's all mine!
I don't have to share it or change it to make anyone else happy... It's mine, exactly the way I want it!

This is my garden, which is still a work in progress.

Pondering Puddle

It's not the same...
There isn't even hope it would be the same ever again...

Strangely, I'm not sad about it.

Things will never be the same again.


Now on to other pondering.


I owe two very awesome people a huge, gigantic, massive, squishy thank you. They did something that not many people would do. They extended their hands in friendship and offered to teleport me out of a dreary place so I could enjoy myself, laugh and just generally have fun.
I had a great time, even if I was slightly reserved and shy. I know, it sounds like it couldn't possibly happen since I write so much on here, but it did.
It felt like I was in the midst of SL royalty!! I didn't know whether to curtsey, smile or just say everything that popped into my head! The latter may have ended up being hilarious since the only thing I could of was "WOW, I'm in the presence of these awesome people!"

Anyway, those two people know who they are, they made SL rock my socks!
Thank you! <3

I Wonder...

Do people realise how much pressure they put on me?

Why it is imperative to always explain what I'm doing and with whom?

If you could stop trying to change me, would you be able to cope? Or would you see that I'm not the person you think I am?

Why do people get upset with me if I hang out with my friends?

If being me is enough.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a drama thing. It's a Razzy-can't-handle-a-lot-thing. It's wonderful to be wanted and needed, to have friends ask your opinion on things, to listen to tales of woe and joy. Those things truly make me feel special.
It's the other things that people do, the things they don't say, the way they say something to incite a whole range of guilt.
Forgive me for saying so, but I have enough guilt in my real life I really don't want, or need, it in my virtual life.

Photobooth @ Pink Fuel!

Because I Can

Save The Drama For Your Mama!

Drama, drama everywhere, where to turn, nobody cares.

So many people in SL have something like this in their profiles:

I hate drama. If you cause any drama you will be deleted.

Now, that's all fine, I totally and completely understand the need for a major lack of drama! Especially in our SL when most of us (or maybe just me) have a lot of drama in their real lives.
Of course, sometimes drama is unavoidable and must be dealt with. Urgh.

The thing that really doesn't make sense is when people talk with you (yeah, this is rare for me since I'm too scary to talk to!) and one of the first things they say is "I hate drama", then proceed to go into a long account of why they hate it, who was involved and what happened!
I'm not sure if they realise it, but what they've just done is started more drama!!

*Head desk*

I had yet another experience like this lately, thus the post about it.

Am I dense and miss the point of this whole little drama clique? Or is there actually some legitimate reason behind my confusion?

Well, anyway, my solution to anyone who says/does the above is to tell them they're making the drama worse. Perhaps not the best way to go about it, but it is effective. Sometimes all people need is someone telling them something for the realisation to kick in.
Sometimes they just start yelling at you for calling a spade, well, a spade.

Each to their own and all that junk. Long live fun and good chats!

Professionalism... Socialism... Other Rants

I can't stand lazy hosts. I'm sorry but if they're not going to greet everyone that walks through the door then why do they bother working?
And not only greet, what about using less gestures and actually typing a few lines here and there? Maybe it's too passe to actually talk, well type, to anyone anymore. Perhaps I go to all the wrong places?

Yeah, I know it's nasty. People might have RL troubles filtering through into SL. If that's the case why not take the night (or week) off?
Every boss I've ever worked for has understood when I needed time off to go to hospital. Even on short notice!

Part of me misses the old days when people would spend time talking in local chat. I remember visiting sims and being able to say "hey" and start a conversation with anyone and everyone. I'm not entirely sure when SL changed but now people where I go just use a multitude of gestures. How do you meet new people when no one talks?

Do you visit any places where people talk/type to each other in local chat?

Oh Hai!

Ahh, the joys of writing a blog... Another blog... Omg, another username and password to remember! Ever wonder why you do something only to remember that you thought it was the best idea since sliced bread when you thought of it?

Oh... you haven't?

*looks around*

Wow, that was awkward.

Anyway, welcome to my blog about my exploits in Second Life. Sometimes I'll ramble, which coincidentally I'm extremely good at doing, sometimes I'll vent and other times I'll just be super funny! (Okay, that last one is wishful thinking...)

So sit back and enjoy while I regale you with anecdotes and stories of all the fun, crazy and weird things that happen in my SL.

Please note:
This is not about gossip and no other avatar names will be mentioned without their permission. Don't think you're going to get the dirty on my friends.